simpleanddestructivechemistry:
John’s started reading classic fairy tales to Rosie at bedtime. Here are Sherlock’s reviews (on a scale of 1 to 5 stars):
Little Red Riding Hood: ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
“I admire the girl’s independence, but this idiot child doesn’t recognize the difference between her beloved grandmother and a dangerous WOLF? The SAME WOLF she met in the forest less than an hour ago? And you think MY disguises are silly…”
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆
“I like the part about the Evil Queen demanding Snow White’s heart – nice and macabre. So Snow White runs away to the forest and becomes a housekeeper for a gang of diminutive gay miners? They should’ve just ended the story there – I don’t care for all that pointless, predictable nonsense about the poison apple and the prince.”
Goldilocks and the Three
Bears: ☆☆
☆
☆
☆
“If those bears were any worse at deduction, they’d work for New
Scotland Yard.”“Thought you might relate to Goldilocks, love – you’re both picky,
impatient, show zero respect for others’ personal property…”“Oh please, John. Goldilocks
is a moron – now, if Rosie wants to
learn how to perform a proper home invasion…”“No.”
The Three Little Pigs:
★ ☆
☆
☆
☆
“It’s a scam, obviously. At least two of these pig brothers are guilty of insurance fraud, and the third
may be in on it as well. A wolf BLEW your house down? While straw and sticks
may not be the sturdiest of building materials, the lung capacity of the
average fully grown Canis lupus is not
great enough to produce the force necessary to demolish even an exceedingly shoddy
dwelling.”The Little Mermaid:
★
☆
☆
☆
☆
“Why
no pirates? Would be better with pirates.”Rapunzel:
★
★
☆
☆
☆
“I’d like to
know Rapunzel’s diet, genetic makeup (or at least ethnicity), cranial
circumference, surface area of her scalp, the height of the tower, the
surrounding climate and humidity level, what sort of shampoo/conditioner she
used, whether or not she used hairspray or styling product …numerous variables affect the tensile strength and growth rate of human hair, you know…“Sleeping Beauty:
☆
☆
☆
☆
☆
“Sleep
is tedious.”Cinderella:
★
★
★
☆
☆
“I love a
ball. The ball is good – beautiful gown, the prince in his dress uniform, love
at first sight, dancing the night away, AND a mystery! Yet it’s all ruined
because I can’t stand the utter STUPIDITY of trying the glass slipper on every
eligible maiden in the land…it doesn’t take a deductive genius to recognize
that’s a waste of time!”Rumplestiltskin:
★
★
★
★
☆
“This
one actually has some valuable lessons. For one thing, someone is always
listening – royal minions in a fairy tale, Mycroft’s cameras and covert agents,
the homeless network…we’re under surveillance of some sort at all times. Be
vigilant, be aware, observe. Also, if you happen to have a ridiculous name, OWN IT – there’s
no point trying to keep it a secret, because it’ll come out eventually, JOHN
HAMISH WATSON.”Omg. Perfection!
More? Please??The Princess and the Pea:
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
“I can relate. Extraordinarily sensitive skin is a blessing and a curse – of course, with the right prince, waking up sore can feel WONDERFUL. However, though I’m all for experimentation, I think peas are best enjoyed in that thing you make for dinner, John, and not in bed.”
Pinocchio:
★
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
“Oh, is this the one about that erection-face puppet boy? Really, John, I’m surprised you’re comfortable exposing our precious daughter to such filth.”
“Sherlock! It’s a nice story about listening to your conscience and not telling lies!”
“Wrong. It’s about an old Italian pedophile and his kinky wooden sex doll.”
“GEPPETTO IS NOT A PERV!”
THANK YOU! BLESS YOU! 😂
And Pinocchio IS about that. I agree with Sherlock.
DIMINUTIVE GAY MINERS
ERECTION-FACE PUPPET BOYI desperately need more. I need ALL.
The Emperor’s New Clothes:
☆ ☆☆ ☆
☆
“I inadvertently ruined this one for myself because I pictured the pompous, self-absorbed, know-it-all emperor looking like Mycroft. I didn’t REALIZE where the story was going! Now I can’t seem to delete the mental image of my flabby elder brother parading about in the nude. My only comfort is the knowledge that, obnoxious prig though he may be, Mycroft’s hardly a fool. He’s the most cynical man on the planet and would never fall for such a dumb prank. Nevertheless, I can’t possibly give this story any stars and ask that you refrain from reading it ever again.”
@misdisdain
OMG perfect!!! 😂👏🏻👌🏻
Genius!
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