Sherlock characters as Mitch Hedberg jokes

Sherlock: I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
John: If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Moriarty: A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Hudders: Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?
Mary: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mycroft: I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Lestrade: I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
Molly: I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum… and I was still worried.
Anderson: I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Donovan: I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said “All right, fuck back on.”

(Bonus) Sherlock: Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow, that would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. “Look at that dead guy… Let’s go that way.”